Do you ever find that the more we try to find happiness the more complicated it becomes. I use to believe that once I achieved a certain thing in my life "then I would be happy" only to find out that I was constantly having to 'achieve' various things because nothing was ever good enough to reach the epitome of happiness.
I started to wonder if I even understood what happiness was. Obviously, by definition Happiness is a positive emotional state characterized by feelings of joy and satisfaction. However, it took me time to realise that Happiness wasn't a permanent state and that if I kept telling myself "once I achieve this, then I will be happy" - I wouldn't even achieve a temporary feeling of happiness. I had to stop using happiness as an end goal and understand just like time passes, emotions come and go, and happiness will flow in and out of your life. It’s important to remind yourself that it’ll always come back.
How would you answer the question: how do you define happiness? Some people define happiness as accepting life as what it is to a feeling of connection, being in flow or spending time with family. With happiness meaning something so different to each and every one of us, how can we find simple ways to feel more of it?
For the purposes of this article, I am defining “happy” as a feeling of joy, contentment and wonder! Here are a few simple tips to get more of that.
1. Talk to yourself as you would a friend.
Ask yourself this "Would I talk to my friends they way I talk to myself?" You most likely wouldn't have friends if you did. My bitchy inner critic loves to tell me that everybody else is better than me and all my work will ultimately fail.
A good tip to help you turn those self-insults around is to use Byron Katie's "The Work" method. After every negative thought such as "not successful enough", "not pretty enough", ask yourself these 4 questions:
1. Is this true?
2. Can I be 100% sure it's true?
3. How does this thought make me behave, think, or feel?
4. Who would I be without this thought?
After going through these questions, you start to realize that all your self-critical thoughts are NOT true and that without them you would most likely live a more positive and happy life.
2. Don’t believe everything that pops into your head.
This follows on from the last tip to be nice to yourself. However, it is important to understand that your brain lies all the time. Humans have an 80% negative bias, so it’s normal to assume the worst before you can see any positives. Your brain likes to lie to protect you, but kindness and compassionate thoughts are a far better protective shield in the long-term. Sit down and write a daily list of things you like about yourself. List your strengths and the qualities you admire about yourself, and remember to refer back to this list when the mean voice inside tries to tell you differently.
3. Connect
Connections matter. Strong ties with family, friends and the community provide us with happiness, security, support and a sense of purpose. Being connected to others is important for our mental and physical wellbeing, ultimately to be happy you need to be connected. I recently received a phone call from a friend who I would usually only see once every six months, it was so nice to just chat with her and I left the call feeling so grateful that she'd reached out. Now I want to do the same for someone else.